If I may be frank, I’m sick of the old, tired Giants marketing gimmicks. Lincecum wigs were cute, but they’re too low budget; they don’t even look like real hair! Honestly, I could make a Wilson beard with a piece of mattress pad and a black sharpie. And please, I’m not a tourist – I wouldn’t be caught dead wearing a panda hat. I’ve got some fresh ideas for products that should hit Dugout Stores immediately. These are products that REAL Giants fans would endorse, so if you work for the teams marketing department and you’re reading this, start taking notes.
“Let said player do something” T-Shirts - Obviously, the team’s staff wasn’t responsible for creating the "Let Timmy Smoke" T-shirts, but I bet they're cursing political correctness to this day. It proved to be a gold mine for T-Shirt bootleggers everywhere – I bet it’s still a hit outside the ball park this upcoming season. Just in case they decide to throw caution to the wind and start making some risqué T-shirts, I have some suggestions that could earn them some extra coin.
My buddy Sonny cooked up the idea of "Let Freddy Tweak" T-shirts, in honor of the Giants' nervous tick-ridden second baseman. He dives out of the way of pitches that are way outside, his facial expressions at the plate would make any DEA agent suspicious - Freddy Sanchez wants to tweak, and the Giants should let him.
Other options include "Let Aubrey Drink," "Let Pill Pop," "Let Belt Sit," and "Let Barry Bikram." That last one could be a huge hit for the ladies, as Bikram yoga has gotten pretty popular, and why shouldn't the Giants earn every dollar they can from having Zito on the roster?
Barry Zito Mustache - Speaking of Zito, let's talk about the paste-on mustache. We already have the Lincecum wig and the Wilson beard, so why not continue with the hair trend?
Zito has been known to grow a pretty sweet Ron Jeremy 'stache from time to time, but as Bay Area Sports Guy pointed out his commitment to facial hair is as questionable as his commitment to baseball. Why not offer both Zito and Giants fans an opportunity to go either 'stache or no 'stache on a moment’s notice? By selling the Barry Zito mustache, fans could slap it on for Zito's starts, and if he starts to lose his command or he gives it up completely, they'll have something to rip off in frustration. Trippy idea, right? Don’t kill my dream, man.
The machine bobblehead day - This idea was not mine, it was actually Brian Wilson's. He claims that a "Machine Bobblehead" already exists, so why not use it as a promotion? It would be an enormous hit. For those of you arguing that it would be taboo because of the children, keep in mind – you see just as much skin, if not more, on a Stretch Armstrong doll.
Buster Posey leg lamp day - In honor of possibly the greatest holiday movie every made, "A Christmas Story," the Giants could give out Buster Posey leg lamps. It would be one serious blockbuster of a promotion. I can see it now – Fans would start lining the streets of China Basin as early as 8 AM to get their mitts on one of these bad boys. It would come fully equipped with that smooth skin look, and could even be rocking a walking boot for extra irony. You could put it up right in the front window to show the entire neighborhood what a hardcore fan you are – as long as your wife doesn’t mind, of course.
Prospect yo yo day - Just for that young child in your household, I give you the "Prospect Yo-Yo." Give that kid something to play with while he's bored to tears in the sixth inning of a 1-0 ball game – it’s better than them screaming in your ear for a Ghirardelli’s sundae. Each yo-yo would be complete with the name and headshot of such players as Brandon Belt, Brandon Crawford, Brett Pill, and hell, maybe even Gary Brown. That is, of course, if we really want to get our hopes up.
Obviously, these promotions wouldn’t be a one day thing. As soon as people catch a glimpse of these beauties, they’ll be running to the souvenir stands with wallets in hand. The possibilities are endless, especially with the chance of more free agent signings down the road to exploit. Go to the Dugout Store and demand these products – after all, you deserve them. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have an application to fill out for the Giants’ marketing staff.